MuNkEe MaDnEsS

Lost, Confused, Don't Know Wut 2 Do, or Where 2 Go, or Who 2 Run 2??

2002-12-31T16:53:04Z

well, it's new year's eve day and i'm just at home chillin on the comp typing my feelings away. i haven't really been writing in my live journal cuz i've been writing in my other journal. there has just been so much that has happened with me this past year, i can't even start to say what. i guess u can say that i'm finally growing up, butt i could have sworn that i did that already. how many times in a lifetime can one actually grow up? life has been good to me most of the time, nothing out of the ordinary or spectacular or anything like that, butt my life has been a decent one. this year, 2002, i believe has been the roughest year for me so far. i graduated in june of 2001, and that same year, august, my one and only sister passed away. it took it awhile for me to sink that information into my system. at first, i tried to like avoid thinking about it and completely kept myself occupied, butt then there were those times when i just couldn't help butt think about it. like my children will never have a real aunt because she has already passed. my sister will never get to attend my wedding and i'll never to get to be in hers. she never even got to walk onto a high school campus. she never had a first day of high school, nor will she have a last. i had so many things in mind to do with her, butt never got to do them because i kept myself too occupied to realize it. plus i still didn't have a car nor a license at the time. i dunno, things just didn't happen because like all people, i thought we would all still be there the next morning, butt apparently it doesn't always work out that way. i try to spent time with all my cousins whenever i get a chance to cuz i don't want these moments to pass me by and i'm trying to take advantage of all of them. life is just so...
i can't even describe what life is like. then i met someone. (yeah, i know i totally like changed topic, but yeah) his name is mono. at first i didn't like him or anything, i didn't even think anything of him except that he was one of the guys that was in our circle of friends. then one night at rimgrove park, i saw him under a different light, and i don't just meet a streetlight. i began to realize that i was falling for him. we spent so much time together and just did a lot of things together, he must have like grown on me or something. because of the way i felt about him, me and my brother, ed, can talk about boy/girlfriend things and not be all awkward or weird about it. i just know more information than i wish to know about that part of his life, but hey, we're both adults here. he said so himself. so anyway, yeah. i've never ever felt this way about a guy before, and people that KNOW me, will understand what i mean. not only has he been the first guy to make my heart all tingly and blah, but he was also the first guy i've ever kissed. EVER!!! it was the sweetest kiss. it was just so nice. he was a lot of firsts in my book. first guy i actually held hands with, first guy i've kissed, first guy i spent the night with, first guy i let into my heart, first guy i gave myself to, (no not like that), first guy i gave any kind of innocence i possessed to, and first guy to actually break my heart. it's been pretty rough liking this boy, butt i can't really help it, i just like him. i like him a lot. yesterday my friend and i went to watch sweet home alabama, and i loved it. it was just great. but there was one line in the movie,that melanie, (reese whitherspoon, whom i love) had said. she told jake, her childhood friend, "you were the first boy i kissed, and i want you to be the last." when she said that, i totally lost it more than i already had. that sums up exactly what i feel about mono. i'm not saying that there are never going to be other guys i date or go out with or even kiss, butt i definitely, feel that he's going to be my first and last. well, yeah, i better go now because my mom is kinda sitting behind me and i don't know if she's reading this, butt i know that she wants to go online. so yeah. write more in this later, since i think i'm not going anywhere tonight for new year's. alright, till next time.

AhHhHhHhHhHh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-12-30T12:16:21Z

i have not written in this thing for like ages and then i totally skip like evrything and just go straight to what i was talking about earlier this morning. oh well, finish it later, really really tired.

i'm so confused

2002-12-30T12:09:37Z

man o man, am i hella confused. about boys and life and church, and God, and everything. I spent an evening with lex, and it was a nice evening, well spent, even though we didn't actually do anything. i really enjoyed his company. it was nice. we tried to go watch a movie, but the movie i wanted to see was sold out so we didn't see anything. we drove around for like forever and a day and ended up back at his house. he gave me a back massage and man did it feel good. then we just pretty much lied in bed together, cuddling and talking. that's all. seriously, that was all that happened. it was nice. it confused the crap out of me, butt yeah, what's done is done. i should really go now, it's really really late.

eHh.....

2002-10-10T16:57:00Z

well, it's like the butt crack of dawn and i'm taking a little break from studying from midterms. i'm freakin going crazy man. there is just waay to much stuff to do and not enough time to do it. i've only got a couple of hours left to decie whether or not i'm gonna get the peircing. i want to, butt i know it's not really me so then i don't want to. by the end of last night i was still undecided, then when i woke up this morning, i made up my mind- i'm NOT gonna do it. u people are probably thinking, what is her deal? it's only a freakin piercing! well, u guys r wrong, to me, it says more than, "look, i got my tongue peirced!" there's a whole underlying meaning and conflict in there. everyone has it right? no big deal, right? WRONG!!! it's like 3 hours since i've woken up and my answer is still no, as of right now. well, the show i'm watching is now over, and that means that i must go back to studying., it stinks, butt i gotta do what i gotta do and get myself straight. well, i'm off for now, see ya'll later.

oN cLoUd NiNe

2002-10-09T21:32:42Z

oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!! i know i'm a big dork and everything, but AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! yes, u guys guessed it. yup, i saw him today, (yes, the munkee boy) and he actually talked to me. yeah, i'm a big dork. it was pretty cool. then, of course, i had to cutit short because i had to go and take a midterm. damn, school is so getting in my way. and last night, oh my gosh what was i thinking. i'm still contemplating on whether or not to get the tongue piercing. i want to, butt i don';t want to. i don't want to get in trouble, and i sure as hell don't want the rep i might get because of it. well, i gotta go now cuz i gotta go to work. i'll write more later.

lanee @ 2002-10-09T12:29:00

2002-10-09T07:55:17Z

Well, today I ditched math class becasue I'm a retard and I didn't want to go. I'm having so much friggin trouble in that class and it's just not cool. I'm really trying tothat's the sucky part. Well, I chilled with the cousins tonight, and it was fun. I love hanging out with them, (Nut and Gay) becasue we're all in the same boat. We all know where each other is at. Life is an endless roller coaster of making up your mind. Talking with them make sme feel so much better becasue I know that I have somebody out there who cares. Life is so hard for me right now. This past year has been the worst and I just hope it doesn't get any more worse than this. And Mono. Man, this freakin sucks bad. This is the first time I've ever felt like this about anyone, and I thought it was supposed to feel good, butt this, this hurts me a lot. I don't really want to try and explain it right now because You'll just get all confused and it won't make sense. You know, y, becasue ur not me and u just don't understand. "How could the one I gave my heart to, break my heart so bad? How could the one who makes me happy, make me feel so sad?" Well, I better go because it's late and I stll have to study. Write more later. Luv u guys!!!!!!!!!!!